Your Kid Feels Everything You're Carrying

Your kid feels everything you're carrying. The stress. The exhaustion. The guilt. Even when you think you're hiding it.

In this episode of The emPOWERed Half Hour, Becca talks with Michelle Choairy, special education advocate and mom of a complex kid. Michelle's son was born premature, didn't speak his first word until three and a half, and has a genetic disorder so rare he's the only one in the world with his specific variant.

In this episode:

• Why so many moms don't even know what they need anymore
• How advocacy starts with understanding yourself, not just navigating systems
• Why exhaustion is a call for care, not a sign of failure

About Michelle Choairy

Michelle Choairy is a special education advocate and founder of Collective Wisdom for Complex Kids. After years of advocating for her own son, she now helps other families navigate the systems, find their village, and remember that they matter too.

Connect with Michelle: Facebook Group: https://m.facebook.com/groups/wisdom4complexkids/

Connect with Becca:

Website: https://www.beccapowers.com
Instagram: @beccapowers1313
LinkedIn: Becca Powers
Facebook: Becca Powers

Join the community:
The Dragonfly Effect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1C4z83krsn/

Get the book:
A Return to Radiance:https://www.beccapowers.com/a-return-to-radiance

Book Becca to speak:https://www.beccapowers.com/keynotes

Free resource:
The High Performer's Path eBook:https://www.beccapowers.com/

🌟 Did you love this episode of The emPOWERed Half Hour Podcast? Sharing your thoughts can make a big impact!

💬 Leaving a review is simple:

1. Visit this link.
2. Scroll down to the "Ratings & Reviews" section.
3. Tap "Write a Review" to share your thoughts and let others know what you loved about the show.

Your feedback helps us grow and continue delivering the content you love. Thank you for being part of our empowered community! 💖

Transcript

Note: We use AI transcription so there may be some inaccuracies

Becca Powers: Welcome to another episode of The Empowered Half Hour, and I am so excited to bring you today's guest because I have a feeling we're gonna get raw and real, and I love episodes where that happens. So today's guest is Michelle Showy, and she's a mom of a special needs kid, and she does.

Advocacy now for special needs, and I think this is such an important conversation because so many of us, whether it's that story or another story, sometimes we try to mask the difficulty of situations and. There is such a empowerment that comes from like just owning our situations. And in the little bit that I got to talk to Michelle, I was already getting super excited to get you guys to listen in on her.

So Michelle, welcome to the show. 

Michelle Choairy: Oh, thank you. Thanks everyone. Thanks Becca for having me. I appreciate this. Yes, 

Becca Powers: this 

Michelle Choairy: is gonna be fun. Yes, 

Becca Powers: I know. I have a feeling And let's get into it. I mean, I opened up with this saying like, Hey, let's get real and raw, so let's go in. there's a reason that your, advocacy is important to you now.

And so like, let's talk a little bit about that backstory. How did you rise into saying like, Hey, this is something that's really important to me and I wanna have a voice. 

Michelle Choairy: Yeah, so, I have two kids. I have an 11-year-old and an 8-year-old going on 16. She thinks that she's 16 years old. my son is 11 and he was born very, very, Premature. And through the years, you know, we, we started kind of noticing some developmental delays, some things that weren't quite, you know, going the, Right. You know, way of things. And so, he didn't speak his first word until he was three and a half years old. And it was the word more. It was not mom or dad, it was more, I want more.

and that's how we created our lives, right? So he was little, he was always petite. He's, he couldn't speak. so you start going through all of those things and all of those emotions that come with, am I doing something wrong? Did I eat too much Taco Bell and drink too much Dr.

Pepper to make this happen while I was pregnant? You know? 

Becca Powers: Sure. Like, like silly things like that. But that go through your head, like, did that contribute? I dunno. 

Michelle Choairy: Yes. and you go through all of that and the kind of a guilt thing and then you know, you do it right. You just.

Okay. He needs speech therapy, so we're gonna take him to speech therapy. Okay. He needs occupational therapy, so let's take him to occupational therapy. So now he is 11, and about three years ago, we finally figured out what it was that That was causing this. And he actually has a very rare genetic disorder that is called TBR one.

it, there are about 200 kids in the world with this genetic disorder, and he's the only one with the variant that he has so far. There's nobody else with the same variant as my, as my son. And so when you say one in the world, he is one in the world. And so from those things I've always, so for the past 20 years I've been in medical sales and in a very powerful position, sales.

Becca Powers: So, 

Michelle Choairy: oh, did you? Yes. So, and I work for a very big orthopedic company and I've been doing that and I have been very successful at that. And so about three years ago, two years ago, I started kind of questioning, okay, I'm getting close to 20 years here. Like what is this gonna look like in my life in the future?

Like, am I gonna. Stay in this career. And then all of a sudden people started asking me about things about special education. Like, how did you get three times a week you know, speech therapy in school for your son? And all of those questions started coming and I said, you know what? I think this is my calling.

I think, oh, 

Becca Powers: I just got the goosebumps as you shared that. Yeah, that 

Michelle Choairy: happened. Oh, thank you. But you know, it seriously like it started with just people asking me questions and then it was like. I need to do something about this. Like, there are so many families out there that have no idea how to advocate for their special needs.

And I like to call them complex kids because Yeah, I saw 

Becca Powers: that in your bio. 

Michelle Choairy: Yes. differentiation when it comes to special needs like autistic, you know, neurodivergent and all of that me. Kids are just complex. it's just a little complex. It's a little bit more than a neurotypical child.

So, the parents that have these children, they don't know what they're doing. They don't know how to advocate a lot of the times. And so that's when I was like, this is what I need to do. And so. Here I am. I opened, wisdom for Complex Kids and now it's become, special education concierge, and we are, I've been advocating for parents and for the little kiddos, 

Becca Powers: so that is.

Awesome. That is awesome. I have so many questions I wanna ask, but I think the question I wanna ask next is probably really relevant for the audience. Mm-hmm. I really, appreciate that you had shared that you're been in 20 years, like high performance sales. cause I've been in tech sales for 20 years and about ready to retire as well.

and do my other thing full time. 

Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. 

Becca Powers: A lot of the listeners are in these high performance roles and managing, like I said, whether it's complex kids or they're caretaking parents. Like how did you navigate that? Like how, let's talk about that because they're probably like, 

Michelle Choairy: not 

Becca Powers: Well, let's, what can you say 

Michelle Choairy: right 

Becca Powers: now?

Help me. 

Michelle Choairy: No, I'm not gonna lie, it's hard. It's hard and there's a lot of guilt involved. There's a lot of, delegating that needs to happen. And really when you're, I'll ask 

Becca Powers: you right there, just because I think that women's particularly have a hard time delegating Yes. Especially when it comes to the family.

Mm-hmm. And I imagine that. and at work too. But when it comes to the family, I know they own like everything regarding the household, everything regarding their children and their care. And so like, can you just go off on delegating like a little bit and 

Michelle Choairy: Yes. it's delegating with the p holding the power still because Yes.

it's too hard to just let it go and just like, here you go. Right. so delegating. One of the hardest things that there is for high performing women to do, and you are so right. I kind of think that in my position, in my job, I'm in medical sales, so I do orthopedic medical sales, and through the 20 years that I've been doing this.

What has helped me is that I had to build a team, and the reason why I needed to build a team is that I couldn't scale. I couldn't get bigger. I couldn't sell more until I had. Sometimes I, call them, I know this is gonna sound so bad, but the minions or the, you know, you raise these, people now, like, I'm the mom, right?

And so I call 'em my kids. So my kids, they come in. So you can get better and you can grow and you can scale, right? So when you think about this as a mom. A complex kid, or really just as a mom, like you need a village. You need people to help you. And so, and that is hard. It's hard to let that go, but if you don't do it, you are going to break and burn out.

And one of the things that you have to remember is that. If you're not well, your child is not gonna be well. And so when you have a special needs child, a complex kid, you need to be well for them because I really truly feel that they. Feel a lot more than we actually think that they do. and I'm gonna tell you Becca, I'm not perfect by any means.

Like it's up and down and it's everywhere. And you know, there are great days and there are some really awful days. I'm sorry. So the way that I did this was he basically has a therapy, some kind of an appointment after school every single day. then as my daughters started getting older too, things, you know, started going that way.

So now we have a calendar on my iPhone that is the family calendar. You need to pick up my, you need to pick up Drake on this address at this time. It's right there. So you delegate in a way, but you really kind of, you know, you just like, 

Becca Powers: you still got your eyes on it, you know what's yes and 

Michelle Choairy: exactly. So it's not letting go of the power.

It's knowing how to manage that. It's truly one thing is that if you're not well, your child is not well. And I really truly mean that. And that's one of the things that I always talk about with some of the moms that I've been helping. even when I'm just doing advocacy for their kids. It's part of what I do.

I'm not here just for the kids I'm here advocating for the parents also. 

Becca Powers: Well, to your point, like if the parents aren't healthy, then the kid's not gonna be healthy. So it's like you have to, and I applaud you for that because you really do have to work the whole family system. 

Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm.

Yeah. you have to have that. You've got to, and you bring in. So, you know, my husband, my husband has to come in to this and then, we have been lucky enough to have had an alair or somebody that's always helping us in the house. And so, I think that that also comes with part, becomes a part of being in this, positions, right?

Is that are powerful. You have these powerful jobs and you can get that help, right? It's owning that and saying, okay, have to, I 

Becca Powers: think, I think there's two things like, you know, that I'm hearing right now is one is like you've gotta give yourself permission to not handle it all. You can be the overseer. We're powerful women. We do that. You can be the overseer. you can't take it all on because you'll break. the other thing I'm hearing is that. You just need to own it. Like own the situation. this is the cards that you were dealt, but it doesn't mean that you were dealt a bad hand, you know?

It just means that you have to look at it differently. You gotta give yourself, again, like, I'm gonna use the word permission, but permission to build a team around you. Permission to look at this from, yeah. From different lenses that, maybe a neurotypical family can't.

You know? 

Michelle Choairy: Yes. Yes. So one of the things is that, So you have the family, you have the relationships, you have the people who are around you. So I created this thing because I was trying to figure out how was it that I did all these years, and I came up with this, it's called Thrive and I'm gonna go really quickly because it's gonna make, I'm like, please do tell.

Becca Powers: This is 

Michelle Choairy: a stuff 

Becca Powers: I love. I'm like, go into 

Michelle Choairy: it. So, okay. So the team thrive is teamwork. And this was one of the things that I did in the beginning was. I wanted to have the best team and team, I mean, medical team, the best medical team around my child. So I looked for a developmental pediatrician.

I looked for a good speech therapist that could help me, could advocate for him, could help me do all these things. I love speech therapists because we've always had a speech therapists that, you know, in the family. And so I love them. Love them, love them. then you have a good pediatrician and then you have a good ot, and then you have, you know, the medical team that's going to help you on that side of the things, that is one part that we really get lost.

And so, okay, so that's the t then the H is the help systems. And in there it's, this is huge. It's the insurance companies. You have to learn how to speak their language. It's the, you know, school systems. So you have to pretty much be, special education African for your child. And you have to learn all the acronyms and everything that they talk about.

And also, you gotta remember that. That the state funded programs can really help your child too. So that's NDH. So that's where you get the help from the outside in. The R are the relationships, and this is kind of what we've been talking about, having that village, having the family around, bringing people together because without a village you are not going to be able to deal with it.

The I is. Integration. You gotta make sure that you're well, because if you're not well, your child's not gonna be well. The V is validation and that is, you know, when you have a special needs child, the winds are gonna be very small and they're not gonna come. That often. And so you have to celebrate those small wins.

And so you have to validate those moments that your child is doing, saying more for the first time. Right? And then the E is, if you do all of this, then you can expect the miracle to come, which is you're gonna be okay. And so is your child. So. that's the thrive. That's kind of what I came up with.

Becca Powers: And when someone comes into your world, is that where you start 'em with is like the thrive outline or? 

Michelle Choairy: So it depends on how they're finding me for, right. Lately it's been a lot about special education and so, I actually attend IEPs. I help with the, with the state funded programs. How do we get those things for you?

But I, that is usually When I'm doing like my call right with them, I offer a free call with everybody and so my free call is usually, okay, where do you think that your needs are right now? we talk about those things. And then sometimes we don't even know what our needs are, right?

We don't know what that is. I bring all of that together along with the special education advocacy that I do, along with teaching them how to do all these things because it takes time. You are gonna come to me because you're broken. Something is going on and you need help with something. So, yeah. and so that's kind of how it is.

And, this is what I decided that I was gonna do, and it was going to, know, it has worked so well for so many moms out there, so, yeah. 

Becca Powers: That's, beautiful. I understand why you're passionate about it, just from the texture of our conversation, but I wanna ask you directly, like, why are you passionate about it?

what are you seeing on the other side of helping people? 

Michelle Choairy: I see like a mom actually become a mom 

Becca Powers: that makes me wanna cry.

Michelle Choairy: Because when you are lost and you're gonna make me cry and I do this with moms all the time because when they finally see like, one, it's not your fault. Two, you don't have to carry this alone. That's when you see a woman, again, a mom, where have I been for the past eight years?

Becca Powers: Yeah, 

Michelle Choairy: since I've had my son for 11 years, where have I been? And seeing that is where I live. That's my validation there. That's my Z is like, it's gonna be okay. So 

Becca Powers: wow. That made me tear and I got the goosebumps from it because I felt it and it's so important. 'cause it goes back to what we were saying in the beginning of this conversation too, when the mom is whole.

The kid has like such a better chance whether regardless of, you know, complexity or not, when moms are healthy, kids are healthy, and when moms are healthy, they're present. And like kids need present. Parents, they need them. Yes, 

Michelle Choairy: yes. 

Becca Powers: So much. 

Michelle Choairy: For sure, and I'll be honest, not about perfection, right, Becca?

No, there's no way. Like last night, like 

Becca Powers: I have not been a perfect mom. Not even close. No. 

Michelle Choairy: Last night we were sitting on the couch. And my 8-year-old daughter was next to me. She's like, Hey, draw with me or paint with me. It was, you know, she, she brought me a little thing. We sat down and I'm painting, and then of course my phone rings, and then I remember that I have to order this on Amazon, and so she's painting next to me and I'm on my phone.

My husband's on the other side, and then my, daughter, I just hear. You are ignoring me. Why are you ignoring me? I was like that. 

Becca Powers: Mm-hmm. 

Michelle Choairy: Crap. And then my husband says, yes, you're ignoring her. And I was like, oh, okay. So I picked up my phone and I just took it to the kitchen and I'm like, I'm not gonna touch it because this is time I can't continue to do this.

And then, you know this, I'm gonna bring up a whole other can of worms here, Becca. But you know, the whole situation of living. Out this. 

Becca Powers: Oh 

Michelle Choairy: my gosh. And being taken away from a lot of the time that you would have with your children. But anyway, that's what I'm saying is like, you will never be perfect all you can do is try to do your best.

that's how you survive. And laugh about it. Laugh if you can't. Like I'm laughing about it today, like, dang it, I couldn't put that phone down. Right. 

Becca Powers: You know, I've been through a lot in my life too, and I'm like, if you don't laugh about it, you're gonna cry about it. And sometimes you need both.

But to stay in the pity party is just weakening. YOUR Nervous system. It's breaking you. So it's like, you know, what are you gonna do? You do your best. You know, you caught it, so laugh about it, you know? 

I caught it. 

I care. You care enough to be aware. There you go. 

Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Exactly. I'll do better next time.

Becca Powers: Yeah, I'll, I'll 

Michelle Choairy: leave the phone in the room, you know, I'll do better next time, but then I'm gonna fail again, but that's okay. 

Becca Powers: Oh yeah. it's inevitable. we're coming down to like the last like 10 minutes or so. And so I wanna ask you another question. now that you've been doing this work, what is a aha or learning lesson that's up for you that you could share with the audience that we haven't chatted about yet?

Michelle Choairy: I think that the aha moment is like when I look at my son. And I like to tell stories. Can I tell a story? 

Becca Powers: Yes. I love stories. 

Michelle Choairy: Okay. So, my son, he was in the school district and we felt like the school district close to our house was not doing enough for him. And so we. KIND OF WENT THROUGH The whole thing, and we asked him to be placed in an outside school, which is called a nonpublic school here in California.

These schools are where? All of the kids in there, they have IEPs and the individualized educational plans that that they have. so what they call this is a more restrictive environment. And the reason why they say that it's because you don't have the neurotypical kids running around with you and, you don't have PE with like 40 kids and things like that, 

They're usually smaller schools. And we decided that that was good for him because he, could not concentrate. Like he had ADHD like off the charts and we're like, you know, a smaller classroom with less kids is probably gonna be one of the best things for him.

So we pulled him out and it's been about three years, three and a half years that he's been out and today incredibly enough. Today is his last day at the school. Where he's been kind of, I don't wanna say isolated, but kind of in a small setting. And so next week is Thanksgiving. They don't have school, but when December 1st comes around, he is going to be in a school with 700 kids.

Becca Powers: Holy 

Michelle Choairy: cow. He is gonna go to the middle school, which is right by our house and. I am excited for him. I'm excited that he's gonna be able to do wood shop. He is excited about that. And then I'm excited that he's gonna be able to go do PE with like all the other sixth graders.

And at the same time, I'm still a little scared for him, but I'M LIKE OKAY This is happening, right? He's 11. This is happening. We're gonna bring him back and this is gonna be so good for him because he's gonna be able to have friends that live close to us. And I'm gonna be able to give him that next step.

In his life. So that's my big, like I don't think that that's where you wanted, you were thinking when I said 

Becca Powers: that. That's great. I'm sure. I'm sure other people are listening like, oh my God. I mean, that's progression, you know? Yes. And that's what I'm hearing too, like behind the story is a process of surrendering.

There's a process of allowing growth. Without, 

without 

fear taking over. Like I could tear, like there's a lot in the story that you've shared, that is courageous and brave and, I mean, I'm applauding you. I'm Oh, thank you. All the good vibes for December. I hope he does so well. 

Michelle Choairy: oh, thank you.

Becca Powers: So let me ask another question. Now that you're doing this work, what is your hope for the future? Like you're gonna either retire retire soon, right? And, and go into this body of work full time. Like what is your hopes? What impact are you hoping to make through it? 

Michelle Choairy: Honestly, like the feeling that I have after I leave an IEP meeting and I know that I just made.

That school that much better for that child because I am able to do that. Right. I am.

That feeling that I get when I get out of there and I say, yes, I just did this. That's what I'm looking for, and that's what I wanna do, and that's what I wanna do for a lot of families out there. So basically I'm still doing my sales. Job, I'm still there, but kind of stepping back, scaling back a little bit.

I'm letting the kids take over a little bit more and teaching a little bit more for when it's the right time because it really, it has been my baby for 20 years. I've been in the same territory with the same surgeons and so like leaving the baby a little bit and so, Teaching and then really stepping into this full-time and really being able to help. this is the biggest thing is like having, looking at that mom after we get out of the IEP meeting and she goes, thank you so much for saying the things that I have not been able to say and do in the past eight years.

Right. That's what I wanna do. 

Becca Powers: That's awesome. So I always like to end with this. What is an empowering message, like an empowering statement that you can share with the listeners?

Michelle Choairy: I'm gonna go back to something that I said in the beginning. Just remember that to take care of yourself, because if you're not well, your child, whatever age. Or time in their lives. If you're not well, they're not gonna be well. So take care of yourself, mama. ' cause you have to. Nobody else will do it for you unless you do it for yourself.

Becca Powers: That is beautiful. I got. Like full body goosebumps on that. That was beautiful. alright, well let's go ahead and share with the listeners how to stay in touch with you. Everything will be in the show notes too, but I want you to go ahead and share, share away Michelle. 

Michelle Choairy: Sure. So you can find me at Michelle Shadi and, and that's a hard one.

Or you can find me@specialeducationconcierge.com and or wisdom number four, complex kids. Dot com. I have lots of ways that you can get in touch with me through social media. I also have a podcast, it's called Complex Kids Simple Solutions. So if you, yeah, so if you're looking to listening more about, you know, special education advocacy, how to.

Take care of yourself as a special needs mom and those things, you can find me there also. So 

Becca Powers: that is wonderful. Michelle, this was a delightful interview. I knew it was going to be I tears. Yes, I got goosebumps. It was all the things. Thank you so much for being a guest. 

Michelle Choairy: Oh, thank you Becca. It was great.

Thanks for having me.